Raising a Special Needs Child in Seminary

Seminary life is tough.  Everybody here faces a unique set of challenges as they pursue God's calling.  It seems that any seminary student that you talk to has some sort of unique challenge that they face.  We are no different in this.  For us, aside from the time, financial  and academic stress, our challenge has been raising our special needs child during seminary.

We found out about a week ago that our oldest son has mild Autism.  In years past, his constellation of symptoms would more likely have been called Asperger's syndrome, but with DSM-5 looming, that will no longer be available as a diagnosis.  Mild Autism is a pervasive developmental disorder which manifests itself in various ways.  Often people with autism have a difficult time understanding and reacting to social and relational cues that you and I take for granted.  They often become fixated on one subject (in my son's case right now, cars and trains).  There are also gross and fine motor challenges, as well as sensitivity to sounds, smells, colors, lights, and other sensory stimuli.  It is a difficult disorder to discuss because the symptoms vary greatly from person to person.

To help you understand a bit about our son's challenges, I think it will be helpful to relate a few of the everyday tasks that are a real challenge in our household:

• Eating:  Our boy is an extremely picky eater.  His sensitivity to wide range of sensations makes dinner time a real challenge.  My mom always said that I was a very picky eater (I still am).  Picture a picky eater that you know.  Now, picture that person being picky not just about taste, but about color, temperature, texture, the type of plate the food is on, how many types of food are on one plate, if something smells a bit differently, and so on.  Even the same type of food can be off putting.  We once (foolishly!) bought a different kind of chicken nuggets that were not "crumbly" enough.
• Getting dressed:  With our son's gross and fine motor challenges, he has a great deal of trouble getting dressed.  He cannot put on his socks and shoes.  He can't put on a shirt, or pull down his pants.  As we try to help him learn these skills (which his brother who is 2 years younger picked up on his own) it can be very frustrating for him.
• Social language:  Social language is difficult for our son.  This is a bit hard to describe.  He does not recognize when another person is upset, or even crying.  He does not understand when his friends want to play in a different way, or that he should play in a similar manner to them.  He has very strict rules about how to do things like ride his bike.  If his friends don't follow his rules (even though they are quite arbitrary), it can cause him to "melt down."
• Transitions:  Speaking of melt downs, transitions are very difficult for our son.  There is a certain rhythm and routine to our day, and if those are changed unexpectedly, it can be tough.  Even a rain storm that makes us come inside early can be very traumatic for him.
• Bed time:  Bed time is very difficult.  Many nights, bed time drags on for a few hours. He just can't settle.  He's not being defiant or rebellious, his brain just does not switch off and relax like a neuro-typical person's brain.
• Processing:  In short, Will processes things differently.  He is extremely intelligent.  He is well beyond his age in all of the intelligence benchmarks, but his other limitations are a constant force of frustration for him.  He sees everything differently.

In many ways, the autistic child's mind is constantly trying to organize and make sense of a seemingly chaotic world.  I honestly do not understand how he sees the world, how he thinks.  I know a lot more now than I did a year ago, but much of it is still a mystery.

Raising our autistic son can be a real spiritual struggle.  I mean no offense by this, but if you do not live with an autistic person, it is very difficult to understand what it is like.  It requires constant, unrelenting, and intense focus.  Things don't get better as he gets older.  He isn't just being a boy.  It is not (usually...hopefully) a matter of us failing to discipline properly.  A few years ago, I was the guy in the grocery store who looked at a child screaming about wanting to look at the toys and thinking "My kid will never be that way."  There are bad parents out there, to be sure, but I repent of my arrogance and unloving attitude in those situations.  I know that looking at the toys may be part of the routine, and if you have to quickly run to the store and don't have time to follow the routine, it can be devastating for a kid with Autism.  That happened to us two weeks ago.  1 Timothy 3.4-5 is downright scary  for a person training to be pastor who is the father of an autistic child.  My son's behaviors can so often look like the result of bad parenting.

Life with a special needs child is a struggle.  At times, it makes me question, to my shame, if God's grace really is sufficient.  There are days that, honestly, I just try to get through.  Yet, for every second like that, there are countless hours of joy and happiness generated by our little boy.  He is a very happy, very loving, precious child.  He is truly a gift of God.

On those really tough days, when it is hard to be a good father, when it is just trial after trial and challenge after challenge, I remember that I have Father who loves me even when I frustrate Him.  I have a Father who does not deal with odd taste in food, but with a heart born in rebellion and enmity towards Him.  I have Father who loves me so much that He will stop at nothing to show me His love (1 John 4.10).  Raising a special needs child in the stressful environment of seminary life is a real challenge, but in those moments when I question God's goodness I remember, I'm the special needs child whose Father loves him.  I am loved not because I am good, but because God in His grace chose to love and save me in spite of my rebellion.  This is the Christ-like love that I am called to show to my precious little gift from God.  This is love that I can show only because of and through God's love to me.

My wife and I have decided to be very open with our boys and with others about our son's autism.  This is not an approach that everyone with an autistic child does or should take.  We have chosen to be open about it because it is our hope that someday, our son will know that his autism is not something for him to be ashamed of, and not something that makes us love him less, but it is part of the way that God made him.  God has special and unique plans for him, and hiding his autism will not help him understand that he is loved by us and by God just as he is.  

Autism is a word that many people know, but I think most people (including me until the past year) know very little about it.  Another reason that we are choosing to be open about our life with autism is that we hope that we can perhaps encourage others who are going through similar issues or are curious about the various aspects of parenting an autistic child.  Please, if you have any questions about anything related to our son and his autism, feel free to ask us either in person, via social media (like Facebook), through e-mail, a phone call, or even a comment below.

"Cor meum tibi offero, Domine, prompte et sincere."

Finals Week

Things have been a bit stressful around here.  The pace of life has been relentless for the last month.  The last couple of weeks have seen a couple papers, a final project, and four final exams due in quick succession.  It has been some time since I have had to wrestle with this kind of stress.  I graduated from college in 2003 and I did not have children then.  These past few weeks have been a real learning experience in several ways.


First, and most obviously, I've learned and consolidated a lot of information during my preparation for finals.  My professors did an excellent job of choosing exam questions and assigning papers that underscored the major aspects of the lectures and readings that we had this semester.  


Secondly, I learned a lot about working in community (a big focus at the seminary).  In my beginning homiletics class, we had to write a sermon in a group of six.  The goal of this assignment was that we would teach each other, help each other understand more of the material, and to show us how to work together and compromise.  It was a good experience.  Our finished project is an interesting collection of different styles and diverse backgrounds.  Then, in my Introduction to Covenant Theology class, we took an oral exam as a group of three.  We learned to rely on and support each other, and to work for the benefit of the others in the group.  Both of these exercises help to prepare us for ministry.  In the future, as a member of a session, I must know how to work with others to lead the church.  These assignments are designed to begin to teach me these valuable skills.


Finally, I learned that my grades are not the only, or even most important thing.  There is certainly enough to do during finals that one could easily spend every waking moment studying, preparing for exams, and working on papers.  But, as a father and husband who is preparing for ministry, acing my exams while failing as a father and husband is not really preparation for ministry.  The qualification for being an elder is not academic brilliance, but faithfulness to one's calling, both as a Christian and as a husband or father (cf. 1 Timothy 3.1-7).  Not that I should be lazy and fail to work in my studies, but I should not study to the detriment of my family.  I am certainly not sure that I succeeded in living this out, but it is certainly a lesson for life in ministry that I will take out of the process.


As my first full-time semester at Covenant Theological Seminary comes to a close, I am thankful for all my professors and classmates who helped me learn these valuable lessons.  I am grateful to be at a place where teaching does not only occur in the classroom. I am thankful that the school is so focused on practical preparation for ministry and not just academic ability, while simultaneously pushing us to be scholars.  I am thankful that my family is patient with me as a learn to balance academics, family, and preparation for ministry.  Mostly, though, I'm thankful that my true worth is found in Christ, and not in my own efforts.

"Cor meum tibi offero, Domine, prompte et sincere."

Greek

It seems appropriate, in light of the exam that I took yesterday, to write about the experience of taking first year Greek in seminary.  It is a right of passage for all first year seminary students.  A crucible to refine and soften us.  I have no military background, but I think the analogy of boot camp for your brain would be appropriate.  


It is a frustrating process.  The majority of the task is relentless memorization.  Memorization of vocabulary.  Memorization of noun declensions.  Memorization of verb inflection.  Memorization of rules.  Memorization of when to break the rules.  And worst of all, memorization of principal parts.

On the surface, this seems like a mere academic endeavor.  Sure, you get to know the feel and meaning of the New Testament more fully, but you don't need it to understand the Bible, especially with the many language tools available.  In fact, I imagine at some seminaries and graduate schools, Greek is mere academic exercise.  Here, though, things are different.

Two weeks ago I met with Dr. Bayer to discuss preparing for the exam.  While we talked about learning the language I mentioned how much I appreciated his exegetical insights and his wonderfully devotional prayers.  He responded by sharing the motivation that he and his colleagues share in the language classes.  Greek, he said, is not just about learning a language, but about building community as we study and struggle together.  It is about learning humility.  It is about managing stress and time.  It is about relying on God.  It is about our sanctification.

As much as I enjoy being able to read a Greek New Testament, and as valuable as that will prove in my ministry, the process of sanctification that I am going through and the peers who share that experience with me are the real benefits of learning the language.  I have made some very good friends as we study, struggle, and learn together.  These are relationships that will be with me long after the fourth principle part of ἐρκομαι has been lost somewhere in my memory.

I am truly blessed to have professors who see their task of getting facts into our heads as secondary to growing Jesus in our hearts.  I am blessed to have classmates and friends who encourage me when I'm down, motivate me when I'm tired, commiserate with me when I'm frustrated, and celebrate with me when I manage to pass a quiz or test.  Most of all, I'm thankful for a God who is my Father.  A Father who has graciously put people in my life who can help me see the spiritual benefit of a seemingly "academic" task.

"Cor meum tibi offero, Domine, prompte et sincere."

Stress and Contentment

I have been in seminary for about half a semester.  In those two months, I have learned that life in seminary is very stressful.  New seminarians face time pressure, financial pressure, academic pressure, and family pressure.   Many of us are coming from good careers into a world of uncertainty.

As I interact with talented professors and peers thoughts creep into my mind that question my sufficiency for the calling to vocational ministry.  There are many here who are better equipped than I, and I wonder if in four years time I will have done well enough to find a church calling.  There is no doubt that most of my peers would concur, seminary is stressful.

What is ironic about the stress of seminary, though, is that the remedy for this stress is preached to us daily.  In class, in chapel, at church, and in our reading seminarians are faced daily with the Gospel.  Our sufficiency in Christ is demonstrated daily.  The realization that we are never good enough is proclaimed and accepted.

In the first lecture in my beginning homiletics class, Dr. Chapell highlighted this.  It is not until we realize our insufficiency that we will be able to preach with any efficiency.  If I do not know that I need God's grace, I'll never be able to proclaim that grace to others.

As I stay up until after midnight studying, or wake up at 5:00am to review paradigms, I must remember that I am not here working for myself.  I am here working for Christ, His kingdom, and His church.

"Cor meum tibi offero, Domine, prompte et sincere."