Taking the Bait

I know that Ann Coulter is just out to get attention.  I also know that writing about her plays into her scheme to get attention.  I can relate to that.  My own public disappointment with her comments about those among us with Down Syndrome was equally narcissistic (I wouldn't want anyone to think that I thought so lowly of others, or that I could be so intensive, even though I do both of those things).  What initially upset me was that her comments hit a bit too close to home (I have a son with a neurological disorder), but I wonder if I was too quick to make sure everyone knew what she did wrong without first thinking of how I do the exact same thing.  What she said was terrible.  I know that any reasonable person will see her comments for what they are: rude, insensitive, cruel, and, let's be honest, evil.  But in looking back, I wonder if my attitude towards her wasn't the exact thing as her attitude towards those among us with special needs?

A Special Olympics athlete wrote an excellent open letter to Ann Coulter.  It is worth your time to read it.  Hopefully, through responses like John's, the struggles and the value of the special needs community will gain a deserved moment in the national spotlight.  God can and does use that which was intended for evil for good. John has said it well enough, so I'll add no more criticism.

What I really wonder, though, is how I can be so ungracious in telling others that they need to demonstrate more grace.  I'm not saying that what she said doesn't matter.  What she did and said was wrong on several levels (belittling the special needs community, speaking poorly of the President who is, as Paul says, God's servant [διακονς]).  But my reaction to her was just as rude and unloving as her attitude towards both our President and the special needs community.

In 1 Corinthians 5:10ff Paul tells the the church that when he said not to associate with sinners (specifically, with sexually immoral people) in his previous letter he did not mean the sinners "of this world...since then you would need to go out of the world...For what have I to do with judging outsiders?  Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge?  God judges those outside."  It seems that in responding to Ann Coulter that I, like the Corinthians, forgot the Gospel.

What if my first thought would have been, "there's a person who needs Jesus" instead of "what a terrible person!"  What if my first reaction would have been to pray for her, instead of posting about how terrible she is.  What if I would have realized that I need God's grace every bit as much as she does.  I've been a Christian for a long time, and I have proven once again that I still forget the Gospel.  

Ann Coulter is a sinner, but guess what, I am too.  Praise God that He is gracious to sinners.  Praise God for taking my sins of arrogance, judgmentalism,  hostility and all the rest upon Himself out of shear, unbounded, eternal love.  I pray that I remember that next time I see someone else acting just like me.

"Cor meum tibi offero, Domine, prompte et sincere."

Raising a Special Needs Child in Seminary

Seminary life is tough.  Everybody here faces a unique set of challenges as they pursue God's calling.  It seems that any seminary student that you talk to has some sort of unique challenge that they face.  We are no different in this.  For us, aside from the time, financial  and academic stress, our challenge has been raising our special needs child during seminary.

We found out about a week ago that our oldest son has mild Autism.  In years past, his constellation of symptoms would more likely have been called Asperger's syndrome, but with DSM-5 looming, that will no longer be available as a diagnosis.  Mild Autism is a pervasive developmental disorder which manifests itself in various ways.  Often people with autism have a difficult time understanding and reacting to social and relational cues that you and I take for granted.  They often become fixated on one subject (in my son's case right now, cars and trains).  There are also gross and fine motor challenges, as well as sensitivity to sounds, smells, colors, lights, and other sensory stimuli.  It is a difficult disorder to discuss because the symptoms vary greatly from person to person.

To help you understand a bit about our son's challenges, I think it will be helpful to relate a few of the everyday tasks that are a real challenge in our household:

• Eating:  Our boy is an extremely picky eater.  His sensitivity to wide range of sensations makes dinner time a real challenge.  My mom always said that I was a very picky eater (I still am).  Picture a picky eater that you know.  Now, picture that person being picky not just about taste, but about color, temperature, texture, the type of plate the food is on, how many types of food are on one plate, if something smells a bit differently, and so on.  Even the same type of food can be off putting.  We once (foolishly!) bought a different kind of chicken nuggets that were not "crumbly" enough.
• Getting dressed:  With our son's gross and fine motor challenges, he has a great deal of trouble getting dressed.  He cannot put on his socks and shoes.  He can't put on a shirt, or pull down his pants.  As we try to help him learn these skills (which his brother who is 2 years younger picked up on his own) it can be very frustrating for him.
• Social language:  Social language is difficult for our son.  This is a bit hard to describe.  He does not recognize when another person is upset, or even crying.  He does not understand when his friends want to play in a different way, or that he should play in a similar manner to them.  He has very strict rules about how to do things like ride his bike.  If his friends don't follow his rules (even though they are quite arbitrary), it can cause him to "melt down."
• Transitions:  Speaking of melt downs, transitions are very difficult for our son.  There is a certain rhythm and routine to our day, and if those are changed unexpectedly, it can be tough.  Even a rain storm that makes us come inside early can be very traumatic for him.
• Bed time:  Bed time is very difficult.  Many nights, bed time drags on for a few hours. He just can't settle.  He's not being defiant or rebellious, his brain just does not switch off and relax like a neuro-typical person's brain.
• Processing:  In short, Will processes things differently.  He is extremely intelligent.  He is well beyond his age in all of the intelligence benchmarks, but his other limitations are a constant force of frustration for him.  He sees everything differently.

In many ways, the autistic child's mind is constantly trying to organize and make sense of a seemingly chaotic world.  I honestly do not understand how he sees the world, how he thinks.  I know a lot more now than I did a year ago, but much of it is still a mystery.

Raising our autistic son can be a real spiritual struggle.  I mean no offense by this, but if you do not live with an autistic person, it is very difficult to understand what it is like.  It requires constant, unrelenting, and intense focus.  Things don't get better as he gets older.  He isn't just being a boy.  It is not (usually...hopefully) a matter of us failing to discipline properly.  A few years ago, I was the guy in the grocery store who looked at a child screaming about wanting to look at the toys and thinking "My kid will never be that way."  There are bad parents out there, to be sure, but I repent of my arrogance and unloving attitude in those situations.  I know that looking at the toys may be part of the routine, and if you have to quickly run to the store and don't have time to follow the routine, it can be devastating for a kid with Autism.  That happened to us two weeks ago.  1 Timothy 3.4-5 is downright scary  for a person training to be pastor who is the father of an autistic child.  My son's behaviors can so often look like the result of bad parenting.

Life with a special needs child is a struggle.  At times, it makes me question, to my shame, if God's grace really is sufficient.  There are days that, honestly, I just try to get through.  Yet, for every second like that, there are countless hours of joy and happiness generated by our little boy.  He is a very happy, very loving, precious child.  He is truly a gift of God.

On those really tough days, when it is hard to be a good father, when it is just trial after trial and challenge after challenge, I remember that I have Father who loves me even when I frustrate Him.  I have a Father who does not deal with odd taste in food, but with a heart born in rebellion and enmity towards Him.  I have Father who loves me so much that He will stop at nothing to show me His love (1 John 4.10).  Raising a special needs child in the stressful environment of seminary life is a real challenge, but in those moments when I question God's goodness I remember, I'm the special needs child whose Father loves him.  I am loved not because I am good, but because God in His grace chose to love and save me in spite of my rebellion.  This is the Christ-like love that I am called to show to my precious little gift from God.  This is love that I can show only because of and through God's love to me.

My wife and I have decided to be very open with our boys and with others about our son's autism.  This is not an approach that everyone with an autistic child does or should take.  We have chosen to be open about it because it is our hope that someday, our son will know that his autism is not something for him to be ashamed of, and not something that makes us love him less, but it is part of the way that God made him.  God has special and unique plans for him, and hiding his autism will not help him understand that he is loved by us and by God just as he is.  

Autism is a word that many people know, but I think most people (including me until the past year) know very little about it.  Another reason that we are choosing to be open about our life with autism is that we hope that we can perhaps encourage others who are going through similar issues or are curious about the various aspects of parenting an autistic child.  Please, if you have any questions about anything related to our son and his autism, feel free to ask us either in person, via social media (like Facebook), through e-mail, a phone call, or even a comment below.

"Cor meum tibi offero, Domine, prompte et sincere."